Days will come when you don’t have the strength
And all you hear is you’re not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They’d see too much (1)
I came to a point in my life when I felt I was worthless and pitiful. Everything is just scattered into pieces and I have no idea on how to even start picking up. I was making out of this world decisions that I never imagine I could make and ended up literally in the corner not knowing what to do next.
For a year (yes for a year!), I was fighting the wrong battle. A battle that I should have not put myself into in the first place. Everyday of that year is spent “arguing”, “agreeing” and “in-between” with God. There are times I would give in to God’s plans and then pulled it back when it hurted too much. It’s a tug-of-war thing. Yeah, I even thought I was winning it. Silly!
I came to a point where I would miss work because I felt useless. Even when I have started building a good career, I did not appreciate it at all. My mom would make a 5-hour driving trip to come to my place and pleaded. Not once! I was stubborn enough, I thought I’m old enough to make my own decisions.
Then came a turning point.
Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you’ve held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross (1)
Genesis 22:1-19 did the trick and OBEDIENCE was the main word. It was an ordinary Sunday. With nothing to do I decided to go to church and there it was. The big OBEDIENCE word and Abraham’s big test was all over the place. Wow, something came to me and I said, it is time to give up the battle. It has been a year with too much pain I caused for myself and for my loved ones and it is not going anywhere. The person I was fighting for isn’t even worth it. The person didn’t even care what I was going through and probably the first person who had slapped the word “worthless” right into my face.
I went to where my mom is. This time, I was the one who took the 5-hour driving trip. When I got there, she knew. All she did was to hug me. I remember that hug very well. That hug reminded me how I am loved, how I am worthy of all the love in this world.
With God, my family and real friends on my side, I slowly started picking up the pieces, and the result was a more beautiful me! Haha! I gave up one battle and won several others! The journey wasn’t easy as I wrote it here. It was time of constantly communicating with God and people who loves me. It was a time of constantly searching and guarding my heart. It was the same time that God filled my heart with love, it was no ordinary love. It was extraordinary that I started loving myself again and became all worthy. It was a love so powerful, I started seeing things around me differently.
Then came the forgiveness.
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, YOU ARE HIS
You’re beautiful (1)
With abounding God’s love in my heart, forgiving those who’ve done me wrong came very easy. Surprisingly, some of them managed to recognize the wrong things they have done to me and personally received my forgiveness. Some of them never recognized it but I forgave them anyway. Some of them had probably recognized it but didn’t have the courage to ask, I forgave them anyway.
With God’s grace, I went on my way to look for the people I have hurt in the process and personally asked for their forgiveness. In every forgiveness that I gave and every forgiveness that I asked, I shined! Amazing, isn’t it!
That step of obedience gave me next years a lot of wonderful surprises and more than ten years later, I’m still reaping the rewards that came with it. Not only that God’s love made more beautiful, but also all worthy, all loved and powerful.
I am beautiful.
(1) Beautiful lyrics by Mercy Me
(2) This journal was originally written on October 2012, just re-publish on this location.